|Q.: How do they get a steam
train locomotive started after the fire has
A.: They fill the fireplace in the
locomotive with coal and get the water boiler full of water. Then
they get one of those noisy, smoky pickup trucks and push the locomotive
along the tracks until it starts, jest like you start one of those
noisy, smoky pickups when the battery burns out. You should never
pull a train to get it started, cuz sometimes when it starts, it will
speed up reel fast and could acktually run over that noisy, smoky pickup
before you know it
Q.: Are you guys Teddy
Bears or Stuffed Animals?
A.: To answer this question, we must first go back
in time before there actually were any Teddy Bears or Stuffed
The story of the origin of Teddy Bears would seem
to be when this feller Teddy Roosevelt was the President of the United
States. His reel name was "Theodore," but
"Teddy" was easier for most folks to say back then. Some
other guys and him went hunting in some wild place like Yellowstone or
somewhere like that, and there was this here little bear sleeping on the
grass and having a reel good time. The other fellers told Teddy,
"There's a wild bear, go ahead and shoot him!"
Teddy din't think that would be very sporting, cuz
the poor little bear was asleep, and anyhow, it was jest a little bear,
so it wouldn't have been very impressive to show off back in town, so
Teddy told them other fellers that he would not
shoot such a cute bear.
When the story got around back in town, everybuddy
started calling that bear a "Teddy Bear." Pretty soon a
toy manufacturer that made dolls, made a little stuffed bear, and in
order to sell lots of them, they called it a "Teddy Bear."
Back then Teddy bears didn't have no clothes that
fit them, so all of them jest went around naked and were cold all the
time. Then pretty soon some girls found out that doll clothes
would fit them pretty good, except that Teddy Bears are mostly guys, and
us guys don't like to go around wearing girl clothes.
Then after a while some doll clothes factories
started making Teddy Bear clothes.
Just then some folks got tired of all the Teddy
Bears and wanted some other kinds of animals, so, of course, those first
stuffed animals were dogs, cuz dogs are cooler than cats, and look reel
good as stuffed animals. (Eventually, they started making stuffed
cats, whales, possums, coyotes, and lots of other kinds of stuffed
Getting back to us guys...technically, we're all
stuffed animals, except that some of the fellers was originally Teddy
Bears, but cuz in our family, we're exter smart, we decided to call
ourselves, "Hound Dogs." We even have a brother, named
Darrell, who used to be a cat when he first left the stuffed animal
store, but we kept working with him and eventually helped him to get rid
of his "Cattitude" and change it into an "Attitude,"
so now he's pretty cool, but he never assimilated very good, so he lives
up North with our cousin Ralph, and there are also some other cats up
there. Ralph is a great big
dog, who knows how to keep cats under control, but sometimes it makes
him end up in the corner.
I hope I answered your question about Teddy Bears
and Stuffed Animals.
Another cool thing about being either a Teddy Bear
or stuffed animal is that now they make lots of cool clothes that fit
us, as you ken see by the pitcher above. I still have my super
hero costume on underneath it, but in the winter time, us Teddy Bears
and Stuffed animals still get pretty cold, regardless of what the
scientists say about global warming.
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Q.: What is "Tuna Helper?"
A.: The only "Tuna Helper" I know of is
the garbage can we have out in the garage.
Q.: Howcum you're so smart? You don't even have
a real brain?
A.: That's why I'm so smart. I have a foam rubber
brain. A real brain gets a lot of its thinking power wasted worrying
about things and it gets full of dirt and stuff. With a foam rubber
brain, when it gets too full, you jest rinse it out with water and when
it dries it's all ready to go again. You have to wait till it's all dry
or it works like a record that's turning reel slow and it might take a
hour to think about if the sun is in your eyes or not, and by then the
sun will be moved over and not in your eyes anymore.
Some fellers that live at our house got made with
cotton brains, and the trubble with that is that their brains get full
of lint after a while and if you try to rinse it out, there goes all the
lint, and they also then think like a slow record all the time, and it
gets worse with each bath. That's why I'm reel glad that I have a rubber
Course, a feller could get a operation to install
a rubber brain, but there's always a risk that it might get put in
upside down or sideways and then you would have trubble looking at
things cuz that's how they would look.
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Q.: Why does the wind blow sometimes, while
other times it's not blowing?
A.: I've noticed that sometimes when it's either
reel hot or reel cold is when the wind starts blowing the worst.
The reason for this is that all of the trees get uncomfortable and their
leaves start to move to get a little fresh air, and the more they move,
the more they make the wind start to blow. After a while, the
branches start wiggling cuz the leaves are wiggling reel bad, and pretty
soon all the trees in the area are wiggling, and that's what makes the
We know this is a fact by noticing that in New
York City, where there aren't hardly no trees, the wind never blows
there, except when the trees in Central Park start wiggling and waving
reel fast, and make so much wind that some of it races up and down the
streets, and the tall buildings make the little bit of wind seem like a
lot more than is really there.
You can always know that the wind is not blowing
jest by watching the trees in your yard. If none of the leaves are
wiggling and the branches are still, you'll never find it to be a windy
day, and the trees are happy so they're not making any wind.
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Q.: Doesn't it get boring being a stuffed
animal and sitting around all day?
A.: No way! When we stay home there's about a
thousand channels to watch on TV, and most of the programs are aimed
specially at us guys with rubber brains, so we have a great time! We
scoot around and get into things all day long, but we gotta be reel
careful to put things back the way they were when the reel people left
for work. Some days one of us gets to go to work and earn a penny a day
for watching that no bad guys steel the car. That's also cool cuz we get
to get out and see what's going on around town.
Some of us also get to go on vacation, but jest 4
at a time so the car don't get too crowded. One time the big boss hound "Hiram"
got to go into New York City and he rode on a bus, then a subway, then a
nother subway, then he got to sneek across the Brooklyn Bridge hiding in
a paper bag, and got his picture took by a guy from Japan. We also took
this pitcher with our camera. I think the guy was gonna give us a copy
of his pitcher, so the next time we go there we'll have to look around
for him. After the Brooklyn Bridge deal, he got to ride on one of those
open top buses but it started to rain and they went downstairs into the
basement of the bus. Hiram said it musta got hit by a torpedo cuz it
started leaking in water from everything like one of those boats named
after a sandwich, a submarine, I think, so he was glad he was then in a
plastic bag and din't get wet. Then they came back to the motel all safe
One day when I was working a reel squirrel jumped on the front window
of the car and was peeking in and I jumped up right in his face, and he
almost had a heart attack. It's good that he din't reely have a heart
attack, cuz he din't have one of those button thingys that the guy on TV
has so that every time he has a heart attack he jest pushes the button
and the ambulance comes for him. That poor guy had seventeen or 13 heart
attacks jest the other night one one channel alone, so maybe he needs to
change hospitals or doctors cuz they don't seem to be able to fix him
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Q.: What can you tell me about vending machines? They all seem so confusing and complicated.
A.: I know what you mean. I have studied these
devices for a long time and have learned a lot about them. The first
thing I learned was that the instructions were written by at least 18 or
14 different people at different times. Then each one of them tries to
make their version work, but there boss gets in the middle of it and
tries to make his idea work, then somebuddy else finally makes the sign
and does it there way, and it is really hard to figger out what they are
trying to say.
Frinstance, every time we travel and try to take a
subway or other kind of train where you buy a ticket from some machine
then get on the train without talking to nobuddy first. The machine asks
you to pay different quantities of money if you're going one way and a
different quantity if you're going the other way. If you perfer to just
go a slightly different way the machine don't tell you how, cuz I guess
everybuddy knows. But if you try to guess and you guess wrong, the cop
with a cowboy gun might look at your ticket then decide to just shoot up
the train car and throw you out the door into the mud. I never actually
saw that, but I overheard two homeless guys talking about how that had
happened to them.
My brother Hiram remembers how when they were in
the subway in New York they was trying to interpret what the lady inside
the ticket machine was saying, and he din't think she knew what she was
saying either, cuz they finally had to call a cop to figger out which
ticket to buy. Then the lady din't have enough money to change the
$50.00 bill, so the cop had to dig out some of his money and make change
so the subway lady could afford to have enough change after figgering
out which tickets the cop had said to sell to them. If I had been there
I woulda pulled out my gun and brandished it for a while to get her to
Anyways, the other thing that is hard to figger
out is a telephone that's outside on a 7-Eleven store or in one of those
little buildings where Superman changes his clothes. Some of them don't
take no money so you have to stick in some sort of business card or
something so the lady will let you call somebuddy. I saw a couple of
homeless guys get mad at it once and they din't have no business card so
they was trying to get it to take a screwdriver. I din't think
screwdrivers was good to use for money, but they kept trying to put that
screwdriver into that phone even using a rock to pound it in, but in the
end they still din't get to make no phone call and there screwdriver got
stuck so they lost it also.
The way I avoid dealing with vending machines is
to jest go to where there are reel people to tell you to give them your
money. Like the guy in the taxi I saw on TV, he jest said, "Yo,
Mac, gimme ten bucks." That makes it jest reel easy to understand.
The only other confusing thing is that they talk reel funny in New York.
Frinstance, when Mac asked the taxi driver how he knew his name was Mac,
he said that he had jest guessed. So then Mac said, "Well, then,
just guess who's gonna get your tip." Then the taxi driver got
reel mad and tore out of there.
The kind of vending machine that I like reel good
is one of those with the great big door that lets little guys like me
climb up in there and help myself. That way I can jest figger out how
much a candy bar or bag of tater chips looks like it should cost then I
ken jest leave the money inside and get my own stuff.
I hate those machines that sell you newspapers. If
you put in some money you ken jest open the door and take out your
paper. I still haven't figgered out why you have to take those papers
that are all the same. It would be better if they had them all assorted
so you could get a variety.
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